Back in the 2004, the long-awaited Phantom of the Opera movie production was finally released. And I intended to watch it with someone who was my loved girlfriend back then. Many things happened, and the plan was definitely fucked up. I haven’t watched the movie production until now, and I don’t plan to. There’s only one person in this world I’d want to watch it with.

Many things happened in these three years, the drastic rise and fall of Lurino in all his imaginary glory. I don’t think it’s book-worthy, and I definitely wouldn’t think it’s noteworthy if it’s not my own life I’m talking about. Three years, and no fucking award! Three years of slipping off from a great fuck up to another. Three fucking years, for fucking out loud, and no great achievement whatsoever!

This is still a sick nation, with all its load of fuck ups. This is still a nation where stupidity rules over anything else. I don’t know any other place in earth where stupidity reigned over even money, and they used to say fortuna imperatrix mundi, they should say stolidus imperatrix omniam for Indonesia. Omni Indonesianum vivo ex stolidiam!

Either way, this April, the musical production of Phantom of the Opera will be performed in Singapore. It’s been a long time since I’ve awaited the chance to see this show. Phantom of the opera was –and definitely still, the most fascinating musical production in my limited perception. I don’t really know how to put it into words, but I’m so gonna watch it.

The first of April happens to be a significant day for me. It represents the start of a new –less stressful, life for my mind. For damn three years I’ve tried to make my way up the stairs, and though I somehow made it, I found that it burdens my mind more than I know.

It’s been a common sense to see me as an autist, which happens to be diagnostically true. Several people diagnosed me as having Asperger’s Syndrome, along with several stress induced schizophrenic symptoms. Further inquiry into it shows that my brain structure is somewhat impaired –compared to ‘normal’ conditions, in a way that everything goes through my area 13 before going to where they should be. Easier put, I rationally think about every single little detail that enters my area of perception.

Luckily, I have great cognitive capacity, and so I don’t really lag when compared to normal people. Luckily, the only problem I have –else than sensory hypersensitivity, is the tendency to ignore emotional impulses and non-verbal communication. This also explains why I’m less abled than normal people in the social arena, and the fact that I tend to be somewhat stupid when faced with emotional matters.

The high stress level I’ve lived all these years finally surfaced as this stupid schizophrenic sensory fuck up, along with depression and homicidal tendencies. And the most stupid thing is that the stress came from my inability to relate and interact with common people. I could interact well with people with the same intellectual capacity, and I could communicate my ideas quite well, but not if I’m talking to normal people, which is inherently stupid at their best.

And most of my problems came from this inability. It’s almost like an obsession for me to get a good healthy relationship with someone who’d perform with me. It’s almost like an unhealthy obsession for me to get a good sexual intercourse. And it’s almost impossible, given the fact that my basis of interaction is hostility and distrust. I’m less hostile, perhaps, but I still can’t trust people, not even those nearest to me.

So I decided to take a sabbatical leave from this world. Trying to live rather slower, trying to take some time to breathe between each step. Trying to reconfigure my internal mechanism before more bad things happen, expecting for some improvement while charting out the necessary backups when things went all the way downhill.

Perhaps I used to be an art director, and I just don’t like fighting head over heels for my concepts which would lose in front of budgets. I might perform well in management fields, but I just can’t handle the stupid daily overseeing things. Even if I perform well as a strategist, my mind is not well-suited for negotiations and sorts. The best course for me to take as a career is to either be an artist, a digital illustrator, a writer, or a philosopher. Each course provided enough space for my autism, and they could even take advantage of my autism. And most of all, they don’t really force me to interact with people. I’m left alone to my devising, my little secluded world, and I’m definitely free from the noisy world out there.

As for girls, well, I don’t think there’s any dream girl with enough capacity to deal with someone like me. Even if I could manage my thing, there’d be episodes when things went out of control, and I don’t think anyone could deal with that. Even mom can’t, so why should anyone can?

As much as I want girls to sleep with, it’s more pleasurable to do it myself, since I trust my hands more than any other living human being in this world. I might want to try it every once in a while, but it’s more practical to go for celibacy. It’s not like I could really love anyone anyway.

Oh well, at least I’ll get to watch Phantom of the Opera this April, thanks to some imaginary girl. At least someone’s trying to care for me, though it’s easier for her to be with her current manager boyfriend. At the very least, there won’t be any romantic talks with her, since our talks will revolve around my analysis towards everything perceptible. At the fucking least, no one’s asking for security assurance from me. You just don’t ask an insane to keep you safe, you just logically don’t.

Three years of some helluva work, isn’t it Lurino? I guess you could rest for a bit now, before things start to happen sometimes later. I’ll just try to live as a happy aspie, despite of anything the world might throw at me.